I am quite sure that a significant number of people have, at least partially, experienced the feeling of not being good enough. This widely-known issue resides deep within individuals, and its effects on relationships and overall life cannot be underestimated. Statistically, about 45-50% of people have encountered such beliefs. However, I believe that this percentage is much higher among our clients, and many of them suffer from these painful problems in various ways.
What causes these beliefs? Firstly, negative childhood experiences and early childhood trauma can result in low self-esteem and self-awareness, which can manifest in adulthood. High parental expectations, criticism, a lack of positive and affirming communication, and insufficient emotional understanding and support for personal growth can play a crucial role in one's development. Failing to meet emotional needs can result in pain and confusion within these young and innocent beings. Neglect and abandonment trauma are strong predictors of developing the core belief of "not being good enough."
Socialization experiences, both early in life and later on, also have a significant impact. Bullying at school and setting excessively high standards in all aspects of life create expectations and values that are often unattainable. Consequently, we constantly feel that there is always something more we could have done better. We start to believe that it's our outstanding qualities that will make people love us.
Moreover, social media paints the image that life should be perfect, filled with celebrations and overnight celebrity status, with great things happening all the time. If individuals feel that these things are not happening for them, social comparison and envy intensify.
While posts and popular literature offering advice on "how to become a better person in 10 steps" or "how to live a fulfilled and perfect life" might seem appealing, as therapists, we know that it's not that simple.
Instead of solely focusing on trying to win or giving up altogether, it is more important for individuals to establish genuine relationships with others. It is not about how they perform or impress others, but rather about feeling connected to others. Identifying activities that one truly loves and enjoys, rather than conforming to society's expectations, is more crucial.
Our role as therapists is to facilitate this process. Our skills and knowledge should create a safe space for clients to open up, express themselves, and feel loved and understood without judgment. As the therapist-client relationship evolves, we gently and carefully guide them toward reshaping their values and approaches, shifting their focus onto themselves and cultivating sincere, authentic, and honest relationships with others. With every session, we are thrilled to witness our clients becoming happier and more content in their own bodies, enhancing their ability to live their lives without pressure. Gradually, they come to accept their worth and feel good enough, accepting love from others in their minds, souls, and bodies as they are. The most significant indicator of progress is when they decide to take action in their lives, doing things they never before believed possible, and finding satisfaction in their everyday experiences.
%201.svg){kind=small}